Dear School Children of America,
Happy Presidents’ Day!
Is this a great country or what? We honor an unbroken succession of (mostly) great presidents going way back to our Founding as a nation.
In school you may be learning things like history and critical reading, but we want to assure you that we, and especially our friends on the U.S. Supreme Court, know exactly what the Founders wanted: a chicken in every pot, a gun in every closet, all that.
You can leave this government stuff to us; it’s too complicated for you to understand right now and we don’t have time to explain it to you. You may well think we can’t have both children and guns, but our sponsors tell us we can and we believe them. Just know that we are here to serve you by making those difficult decisions for you.
So please, tomorrow morning, after we are through celebrating those great presidents, just go back to your classes, including your gun education training and your self-defense drills, along with all the other survivors in your schools, and leave us alone.
Sincerely yours, with our thoughts and prayers,
Your Republicans in Congress
PS It’s not just about guns either. As David Leonhardt shows in “Letting American Kids Die,” New York Times, 2/17/18, our country does not have a good record in supporting the lives of children. “The United States, to put it bluntly, has grown callous about the lives of its children,” he writes. He calls out gun violence (proposing “universal background checks and tighter semiautomatic restrictions” for starters), vehicle crashes (with inadequate law enforcement), and infant mortality (due in part to “the flawed safety net,” including spotty Medicaid coverage).
States can chip away at these problems as best they can. But it is obviously that only electing responsive members of Congress can solve these shocking problems on a national level.
So that’s 2,700 deaths per year more than the developed country average per million children. Or, to put it differently, one avoidable death per 370 children. How many children does each of us, or each teacher, know? And wouldn’t we want the US to be better than average, not just average?