Boston Mass., November 3, 2012
In a development that all those connected with any political campaign will appreciate, a fired former volunteer at Romney headquarters has leaked a copy of instructions to those making phone calls on behalf of the Republican team:
dear Republican phone banker,
Here is what Paul and I want you to say on the various issues as you urge voters to vote for us:
The two of us always agree on everything and when my public stand on an issue changes, so does Paul’s. And similarly when it changes back. We’ll send you a briefing every morning.
Yes, I’m for Hope and Change: Change in the White House and Senate; and everyone else in the country can just keep the Hope part.
“Severely conservative”? No, I never said that. “Severely bipartisan” is what I said.
Abortion: Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes. No. Ask Paul.
What Olympic horse? Dressage, never heard of it? That’s a Spanish word, right? French, don’t know a word. Ah, you’re a horse owner? Yes, of course, Mitt believes horses are people too. And dogs, whatever.
Small government good, big government bad, But for attacking other countries, spying on Americans, and people’s private lives, big government is good and small government is bad. Got it?
Hurricane Katrina: Good old Brownie did a great job. Hurricane Sandy: as Brownie said, Obama acted too fast and is doing too much to help people. No more big government! Slower government! New Orleans, New York, New Jersey—cut them adrift!
My income is irrelevant. I know just what it’s like to be poor because to pay my college tuition I had to sell some of the stocks Dad gave me one year for my birthday.
Yes, I’m eager to release more tax returns than just 2010 and 2011. My accountants in China are still working on it, absolutely as fast as they can. They told me they should be ready around November 7.
I was against bailing out Detroit because Chrysler has moved to China. Chrysler’s CEO knows nothing. He’s Italian anyway.
Yes, Mormons are Christians. Or, they are descended from the Old Testament Israelites. Or, they are related to Native Americans. Know your caller first.
Colin Powell isn’t a real American. Not sure about Bloomberg. What do you expect from New York City? Susan Eisenhower? Hmm, that name does sound familiar.
I’ve always lived in Massachusetts. What other houses? They must be thinking about motels.
It’s B-a-i-n, not B-a-n-e, you idiot You’re fired.
Paul and Sheldon and I are so grateful for the help of all the rest of you.